Most of us, in our daily lives, will experience some negative thoughts. There are many causes of these including challenging events, difficulties in our relationships, personal problems and normal ups and downs in our mood and energy levels. Our negative thoughts can weigh us down, stopping us from experiencing happiness and joy in our lives. We all want to learn how to feel happy every day. This is why it’s important to understand how to let go of negative thoughts and be happy, no matter what our life circumstances are. Be careful though not to be chasing an elusive happiness butterfly you will never catch.
Getting rid of negative thoughts isn’t easy, or possible!
We may try to stop them through distractions, like eating or shopping, but these strategies usually provide only brief avoidance and are not effective in the long term. When we try to stop negative thoughts, usually this only makes them worse. In psychology, this is called ‘ironic process theory’ also known as the white bear experiment. The theory goes that if I were to tell you to not think about a white bear, almost certainly this would be the only thing that you could think about. If I were repeatedly to tell you to not think about white bears, that would make it even worse! As such, ironic process theory suggests that the more we try to suppress negative thoughts, the more intense they become and difficult to get rid of.
How to let go of negative thoughts and be happy
If we can’t get rid of them, then our objective should not be to control them, or stop them, but rather to let go of them peacefully. If we want to learn how to let go of negative thoughts, we can use some of the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or ACT, Dr Russ Harris, describes how to overcome negative thoughts with the principle of defusion in his book ‘The Happiness Trap.’ He writes;
“Negative thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them. Don’t fight your fear: allow it, befriend it and channel it.”
Russ highlights how we are often afraid of our negative thoughts, as if they can harm us in some way or ruin our happiness. Or we struggle with our negative thoughts, as if they are an enemy to us living a happy life. However, instead of fear and avoidance, Russ suggests that we accept them and then allow them to defuse.
How to let go with defusion
Letting go of negative thoughts with defusion starts by making space between ourselves and our these thoughts. When we let go of the negative thoughts, we allow room for the positive ones, that will lead us towards feeling happy again.
For example, if you are struggling with a negative thought that you will fail your exam, or about your body weight, practice defusion by making yourself aware of the thought, and then stepping away from it. You can do this by reminding yourself that this is just a thought, and not necessarily true or based on reality. Rather than struggling with the thought, or immediately turning to Netflix or chocolate for temporary comfort and distraction, sit with the thought. Let it wash over you without fighting, resisting or suppressing it. Accept that it is there and observe it, as an artist steps back and observes their painting. Picture the thought in your mind and then let it slowly dissolve away. Bring to your mind other thoughts of positivity and gratitude, or a happy memory. Gently guide your attention towards these other thoughts, and notice how you immediately will begin to feel less anxious, and more relaxed and positive.
Training our attention away from negative thoughts and towards positive ones, that make us feel happy, is a little bit like training a muscle. The more we do it, the stronger we become, and the easier it gets. Through practising defusion, you too can learn how to let go of negative thoughts, and be happier every day!
This post is written by psychologist and blogger Emily Maher from The Female Brief a mental health and personal development blog.
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